EARLY CHRISTMAS

This is Sean, reporting in Eve's behalf as she is taking a much needed rest. I told Eve that her nap was limited to a half hour, but she laughed knowing I was jesting. So for those of you seeking the details of Dixie's entry into the world, here is my biased report.

On December 8, 2009 at approximately 0945 hours, Eve and I were in our one bedroom apartment preparing to make a double batch of an amazing sugar cookie recipe. I say we, but Eve was the one mixing the cookie dough and making the other necessary preparations. My lone responsibility consisted of tasting the product through the various phases of its creation. These caloric delights were to be distributed among the masses in order to prevent Eve and I from partaking of their buttery content exclusively. We also wanted to share a little bit of the Christmas cheer with our friends and acquaintances as we help to add inches to their waistlines. Just as we were about to start the process of rolling the dough, Eve informed me that she had just experienced a couple of cramps in her abdominal region that came and went. Ever the planner, Eve wanted to take every precaution in case these "cramps" turned out to be an announcement that Dixie was indeed on her way. With that, Eve hurriedly jumped into the shower so she could exercise her cosmotology skills on herself with a blowdry and makeup application. I was left to preserve the sacred sugar cookie dough by wrapping it with care for its storage in our freezer. The tasty treats would have to wait for another day.

As Eve finished her shower, she advised me that the cramps had been occurring at regular intervals and that she thought that Dixie was coming. With that news, I started keeping track of the length between contractions and how long they lasted. I was doing it all in my head, but Eve insisted (very strongly) that I write down the exact times onto a piece of paper. As the contractions started happening with greater frequency, I called the nurse in the labor and delivery department of our hospital and apprised her of our situation. She recommended that we start heading to the hospital. We grabbed our ready bags and hurried down the steps to our car at about 1040 hours.

We arrived at the hospital around 1100 hours and were met by a logjam of people fighting over parking spaces. Eve wanted to be dropped off in front so that she would not have to walk very far. By this time, her contractions were pretty long and appeared to be causing her excruciating pain. I dropped her off and entered my own world of chaos and pain, of course, nothing comparable to Eve's. By the looks of things, I thought that it might be the Black Friday of the hospital world. Perhaps the hospital had a one time deal on the H1N1 vaccine that caused everyone and their mother in the Bay Area to congregate to this lone hospital at this exact time, such was my luck. After ten minutes of sweaty palmed, angry parking maneuvers to avoid a flurry of morons, I saw a saintly woman walking through the parking lot. I pulled up next to her and pleaded my case telling her that I was a dead man if I did not find a parking place immediately. She smiled and motioned as if to show a man dying of thirst the location of a lush oasis. I thanked her profusely as I claimed the spot she vacated and ran back to my waiting wife. The two bags I was carrying made the run quite awkward as I rushed to my wife's side fifteen minutes after I first left her. As I approached, I saw that she was away from the crowded hospital entrance, trying to be as inconsipcuous as possible as she was hunched over in pain. We entered the hospital at 1115 hours.

In an attempt to take her mind off of the pain, I told Eve that she was a pansy if she took the elevator instead of climbing the stairs to the third floor. It was then that I realized humor would not be playing much of a part during the labor process. We checked in and were sent to an observation room where we were informed that Eve was already dilated 5 cm. The nurse stated that she thought Eve's labor was going to be "fast and furious", a hint of things to come. The nurse whisked us into a delivery room as my poor Eve experiencied increased pain during her contractions. Although she initially thought she was going to go the natural route, the labor pains caused her to reconsider. Eve emphatically told the nurse that she wanted some drugs immediately. They put an IV in her right arm and gave her a dose of phentanol at 1200 hours. The pain subsided for only 15 minutes and came raging back with a vengeance. Eve pleaded for another hit, but the drug dealing nurse mercilessly refused. All the while I played the part of the waterboy/cheerleder; doing the bidding of the star athlete as I watched her in action. Chapstick, consoling words, caresses, and a cheery personality were the tools of my trade.

As 1230 approached, the star athlete began to succumb to the pains inflicted upon her by the stranger in her tummy. She begged the dealer of the narcotics if she could have an epidural. Again, the sinister nurse declined her pleadings, laughing and scoffing at the pain my poor wife was experiencing (actually the nurses were amazing...I am just altering the story a bit to make it more dramatic). The nurse actually told Eve that the baby was going to arrive before the anesthesiologist. At 1245 hours, my cool demeanor was caught off guard by the sounds of primal grunts emanating from my wife. The nurse turned to me and said the sounds I heard were pushes. She rushed off to inform the doctor that the baby would be coming soon. Sure enough, after 45 minutes of pushing, little Dixie Mae took her first breath.

While the day started off with the prospect of delicious sugar cookies, it turned out that we got our Christmas surprise a little early. Eve did an amazing job and Dixie, like her mother, came into the world as quickly and efficiently as possible.

THE END